I was watching a TV show this week.
Maybe some of you have seen it.
It was "The Miracle Worker."

it was a story of Helen Keller,
the frustration and the inability
to make contact with this child.
The teacher's role was being played.
The teacher had a real interest.

the child was deaf,
dumb and blind.

She had no contact at all with reality.
And I was much moved by the show, this moving drama.
There was much identification for me.

There was a scene,
There was an actual fight
between the teacher and the student.
Both wanted to win.
Only only one could win.
My identification went over to this child,
How she fought and bit and scratched and
in her blindness which strike out,
not consciously meaning harm but ,
Her fear leading her to do this.

I thought about my life at the time.
how I was always a series of such events
it was something I could see,
suddenly.

I have read a lot of books since I have been in Synanaon.
I have attended a lot of meetings
I've learned a lot
but there has been some areas
that have been cloudy for me.

I was able is sit there and see not only that movie
but the events in my life leading up to Synanon.
My life leading to the doors of Synanon
was a series a ten minute sequence.

I was sitting there in a trance and Chuck said,
"What's wrong with you Chicky-Bird?"
I was saying, Shhhhhh!"
And recalling all those memories.

Physical abuse,
biting the hand that feeds me,
my own mother came up
out of my unconscious mind
and face me in that room
with her blindness.

My mothers is blind.

And I remembered all the things
she tried to teach me.
my frustration of fighting her
stealing from her
lying to her
a complete lashing out.
I wanted to destroy her.
I wanted to win,
to do it my way.

My mother would step back,
she didn't do what this teacher did.
she stepped back and let me have my way.
I traded roles with her she,
She let me be her, she let me win

And I thought fleetingly,
what would have happened
had she been able to reinforce her role as a teacher?

What would have happened to my life
if she had won
on this TV show?

Chuck has been saying for seven years,
"Step into the center
of your circle and expand
your universe."

And I thought to myself,
I know what he's talking about
but I can see it.
I can't taste it.
I can't feel it.
I read information from books,
listen to his voice on tape.
I go to certain motions
I have a job,
I have responsibility
and I have a house
and with these things I reinforce myself.
But I asked myself, What does he mean
Get over in the center of your circle.

So I bought the concept.

Act as if.

Act as if
you're filling the circle
and some how you will.
And I went to these motions,
and as a side effect
there came a point in space time
a couple of nights ago
in a TV set
when I saw a circle for myself.

I saw circle for myself
and I knew what it was at that moment

to become a teacher.

I could see
what I had to teach
and I understood
on a gut level
that I had to win,

I knew at that moment
what I had to do.
It was like
a rebirth.

I can understand way down in the pit of my belly,
that poor pouting in Synanon, unhappiness in Synanon
envy in Synanon, ignorance in Synanon,
wasn't on a conscious level all the time, that unconscious motivation drove people to destruction,

the fear that grips the gut,
the unconscious fear that takes over and rules the body,
and the acting out process as a result of this,
because there is no way to handle
the confusion and conflict.

Synanon,

We have a schools here
where we are trying to teach some people.
to educate them.
We are trying to make that contact
into the world
of the dumbness and deafness.

We are trying to take the scales
and pull them away from the eyeballs.
We use sounds in noises
and drive them and drive them
until they penetrate the eardrum
so that we can hear

I knew what I had to do.
Something had opened up for me.
Maybe a few more scales were pulled off my eyeballs
I thought about writing it down.
I thought about trying to delineated somehow on paper.

I feel as if I've had a fix
a fix for living,
a fix that is going to lead me
in the direction
of wisdom.

It feels good.
I know I'm in my circle
and all I have to do is expand it.
I have to start turning
around and around and around
and
around and around
and
do the job
Do the job.

I wanted to share this with you.
I don't know if I've been too abstract.
I don't think so
I feel it inside myself.

I think I'm communicating with you.
I think you understand,
that there is in knowing about it,
that you understand that what I'm saying.

I want to reread a lot of things now:
science-fiction and philosophy.
religion,
and watch baseball games.
I am sure they are going to have
a new meaning for me.

I thought it was going to cost me something
to give up his frustration.
this blindness.
These were my imagined Feelings.
It did not cost me anything.
It wasn't painful at all!

I stayed around.
I went through some motions
and as a side effect
I hit the jackpot watching a television show.

All you have to do is sit still
and let life catch up with you.

If any of you feel these things,
if you have these experiences,
I think they should be shared
We have the formula
and I know it's true.

Teaching plus learning equals education

T + L = E

Teaching times learning equal is communication

T x L = C.

I assume the role of teacher
to communicate a feeling
an impression.
You in turn
take this information
and apply to yourself
and give your impression it
Experiences are best teacher.

Teaching is the only adult function.

I remember
when I was seven or eight
people what's asked me
"what do you want to be when you grow up?"
And I would say,
" A teacher."
Isn't it funny?
I made full circle.
I am going to be a teacher.
Time has no importance
where I want to go and operate,
this is the above the T-bar
in the area of no contrasts.
No time is there

The eight year-old child
crossed time and identified
with the other eight-year-old child
who was fighting in her frustration
to avoid contact.

There was a teacher there
who won
who applied the discipline
who had the information
who had the patience
who knew he must win.

Chuck knew that he had to win
I was very fortunate
I had Chuck for teacher.

All the pieces are fitted together
and I stand now
in a forty-two year-old body.
Time has no meaning.

I am the teacher I wanted to be at seven or eight.

Betty Dederich
1965